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NES Game Reviews (02)

2008-08-15 17:30:49 by lolomfgisuck

Recently I've set out to play (and beat) every American NES game in existance. As I complete the game, I'll document my thoughts and feelings in a short, very unprofessional, review below. I've also decided to post my favorite box art. Box art is choosen per review, per thread... that is, the below box art is my favorite box art of the games reviewed in the thread, and not my favorite box art of all time.

Mario is Missing:
Not a very good game. I'm not sure what Nintendo was thinking but they went through a breif stent of time where they rented out the Mario name and characters to some crappy 3rd party developer in order to make a small series of educational games for small children. Just as one would think, these educational games are about as much fun as doing homework but take longer to complete and teaches you far less. The story behind the game is even worse. Bowser is trying to buy a bunch of hairdriers to heat up the frozen poles of the planet in order to flood the Earth. But hairdries are expensive so he's decided to steal famous historical landmarks to fund his operation. How one buys a hairdrier with a pyramid I'll never know. Oh yeah, also, Luigi was too scared to help Mario (since when?) and thus refused to go with him. Mario then fails (since when?) is caputured by Bowser and now Luigi has to save him. To do so, Luigi needs to get all the artificats back and return them to their rightful location around the globe in order to make a key appear out of nowhere so he can fight the girl Koopa-Kid in order to free Mario. There are multiple problems with that story but I don't care enough to point them out... however, I will state that educational games are never fun and this is no exception. Nobody should play this game, not even little kids.

Mario's Time Machine:
Shit. You can't die, you can't lose and worse yet, it's an "educational" game. Basically Bowser has opened up a museum but all the artifacts are items that he stole with the help of his time machine. Also, he kidnapped Yoshi. (?? I don't know why). So Mario shows up to get the items back, put them back in their point in time and also, save Yoshi. (?? I don't know why). The game starts inside the museum and all you do is select a door, kill three turtles, and pick up an item that played an important role in history. Then you jump in your time machine, select the year it belongs to, and then put it in its place. Select the wrong year and you get to start over. It really fucking sucks. When everything is back in its place you get to fight Bowser, but only after you answer a few history questions. It's a kids game so Bowser is about as hard as your grandfathers cock and the ending sequence is pretty much non-existent besides the typical "You win" bullshit. Worst Mario game ever... not even made by Nintendo. I don't suggest to anyone, not even little kids because History is never fun unless you're into that shit... at which point you're probably not going to play a Mario game to learn.

Mega Man 2
Best Game Ever Made. Best Game Ever Made. Best Game Ever Made.
Best Game Ever Made. Best Game Ever Made. Best Game Ever Made.
Best Game Ever Made. Best Game Ever Made. Best Game Ever Made.
Best Game Ever Made. Best Game Ever Made. Best Game Ever Made.
Best Game Ever Made. Best Game Ever Made. Best Game Ever Made.
Best Game Ever Made. Best Game Ever Made. Best Game Ever Made.
Best Game Ever Made. Best Game Ever Made. Best Game Ever Made.

Mickey Mousecapades
I remember owning this game as a child but I have no idea why I would have ever purchased such a thing. It's a strange little game where Mickey and Minnie Mouse go through a Fun House, An Ocean, A Forest, and a Castle in order to help rescue a "Mystery Friend" that was captured by the evil witch from Cinderella. I remember beating it as a kid but this time around I struggled to get past some of the bosses which makes me question the games dificulty level. I don't want to say the bosses are hard, but they constantly bombard the player with an onslaught of relentless attacks that have a very narrow range of escape. To me, this seemed a tad bit extreme for a Mickey Mouse game. There is also a strangly missplaced puzzle in the game as well; in the forest stage the player has to go through doors to cross through all 4 seasons of the year. But some of the doors take you back to start, others to a previous season, and some of the doors are hidden and have to be found. Once again, it's not a difficult task, but a strange feature for a game aimed at 5 year old children. Other then that, my only real complaint is the fact that you can't leave the screen without Minnie and Minnie's A.I. is "copy everything Mickey does". It works well for the most part but there are a few times where she fails to make the jump (because she's trailing behind) and falls off a cliff. Did I mention that if Minnie dies, Mickey dies? There are a few upsetting deaths in this mannor, but such was the way of Nintendo I guess. Regardless, the control is decent and the graphics and sound are OK and overall it's a pretty fun game... funner then most childrens games. I'd suggest passing it on to a younger sibbling if you have one, but everybody else should just skip it.

Ninja Gaiden:
There is only one word that can truly describe Ninja Gaiden: 'Rad'. This game is fucking awesome. Everybody who enjoys playing video games, casual and hardcore players alike, should all take some time out of their day to give the original Ninja Gaiden a try. Do it right now if you can... even if you've played it before, play it again... you won't regret it. You're a ninja, you kill people, and you get cool ninja weapons and power-ups along the way. What's not to like? It's kind of a hard game... a lot of enemies come rushing at you and a lot of them are pretty unforgiving when it comes to hitting you mid-jump and insuring you fall to your death but this is just how NES got down. You'll struggle a lot, but you'll eventually be able to do it... classic game, one of the best NES games out. I suggest it to everybody.

Silver Surfer:
I had heard through the grapevine, and the Angry Video Game Nerd, that this was THE hardest Nintendo game ever made. Considering my struggles with Adventure Island and 1943 I couldn't even begin to fathom how hard this game must be. So one night, out of boredom, I popped it in and gave it a shot. 4 hours later, I had completed the game and was very dissatisfied by what this new generation of gamers call "hard". The truth is, it is kind of difficult... but it's easily balanced out when you take into account that the game is really short. There are only 6 stages and each of these stages is shorter then any stage I've played to date. The bosses are easy and rarely provide even the slightest bit of challenge, and the enemies are very predictable and avoidable with just the slightest bit of practice. The game is one of memory; learn the stage and you'll beat it every time. Thankfully the stages are short enough that this can be done in just a few hours. I hear people complain about the fact that you can't touch the walls but honestly I fail to understand why... there are very few walls in the game and I fail to see how these walls are different then any other one-touch kill item in any other video game. IE: The water-spikes in Mega Man 2. This game isn't super easy, but it's not THE hardest game out, The AVGN either sucks at gaming, or lies for better ratings. I'm thinking it may be a little bit of both.

NES Game Reviews (02)

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